But, I would like to share with you the nature of my absence over the past several months. Although I try to keep the focus of this blog on crafts and fun things, I also like to share some of myself so that we get to know each other.
My last post back in August was about all of the stuff I kept making for my mom. She was diagnosed with stage IV cancer, and despite being a full time nursing student and having 3 boys of my own I spent a lot of time helping her and making her stuff. I don't know why I kept making her stuff ... I guess I just wanted to see her smile.
Well on January 2, 2013 my mom passed away, and every thing that I made her is now back at my house. I cannot explain how awkward and painful it is to get back the stuff that you made for someone. It is like when you are looking at it "what am I going to do with this?" but at the same time you don't want to throw it away or donate it, so it ends up back with you. It really is a strange thing, but the dala horse, the bunny ... almost every thing I have again. The only thing my step-dad kept was the quilt I made her because she used it so much that he associates it with her.
It has been a painful journey, in August even though I knew she had a poor prognosis I really hoped that she would be a part of that 5% that would still be alive in 5 years. But, her chemo stopped working, and a new one gave her a bad reaction and it was downhill from there. Eventually towards the end of November they said that there was nothing more they could do for her, and that she would need to consider hospice care. They gave her 4-6 weeks to live.
So, even though I live over an hour away, and was already going out to see her about twice a week, I started to go out there nearly every day. And watched my young, sweet mother go from alive and energetic, to weak and frail, to delirious, to comatose, and eventually not with us anymore physically.
It was very hard to watch, but I would not give up my last month with her for anything. She never complained, and even selected her own funeral home, and music to play at her service. I will never forget her strength or compassion. After signing a DNR (do not resuscitate) order for herself, she looked over at me and saw that I was sad and offered comfort to me. Up until our very last conversation she was still taking care of me.
She passed away peacefully, at home, surrounded by everyone and every thing that she cared about most. Her service honored the person that she was, and for that I am grateful. I am also grateful that I got to thank her for being my mom, and letting her know how much I was going to miss her. We cried together many times, but she was always there for me.
So, now you know why I have been gone ... but my mom would have wanted me to continue on with my life and with my crafts. She always supported my crafting endeavours, and my dream of becoming a nurse. While I am sad that she will not be there when I graduate in April, I know that she will be looking down on me from some where and smiling.
To all of you who still have your Mom, give her a big hug and tell her you love her, you just never know what life will bring.
Anyways, thanks for listening, and I promise happier things are on the horizon. I just felt like I needed to honor my mommy ... her name was Julie, she was only 53, and I will love her and miss her every second of my life.